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Kikaz · #1 01-28-2006, 10:28 PM

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A Blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first. the brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens. she pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. she falls past the blonde like a speeding bullet. the blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "sooo, you want to race, do you?"

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two blondes went shopping one day in their brand new, cherry red sports car. when they returned from the shopping they realised that they had locked their keys in the car. after trying for an hour and a half to get the keys out, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"

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A blonde woman goes to the doctor and tells him that both her ears have been burnt. "sit down and tell me how it happened," said the doctor. "well, i was just ironing my clothes, when i received a call and instead of picking the phone i accidentally picked up the iron and burnt my ear." "well, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?" "the jerk called back!"

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11 people were clinging precariously to a thin rope suspended from a crubling cliff wall on Mt. Everest. ten were blonde, one was a brunette. they decided that one of the party should let go so that the rope wouldn't break. for an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. finally the brunette said she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. the blondes all applauded.

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one day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde jokes that she decided to hang herself in the woods. soon two men came along and asked, "what are you doing?" she replied, "i'm hanging myself." the two men looked at her and said, "usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the rope around your neck." then the blonde said, "duh, i tried that but i couldn't breathe."

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3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were. the first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks." the second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks." the third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

bingo

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was left in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life,

and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and an Aggie are out walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,"says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

The Aggie (a civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains,

"Well, it's about 25,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out, virtualy impenetrable."

The Aggie says, "Fill it with water."

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.."

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel plans. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an E-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the E-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister of many years who had been "Called home to glory" following a heart attack.

The widow checked her E-mails, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife From: Your departed husband Subject: I've arrived I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

p.s. Sure is hot down here.

a three year old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. he inquisitively asked the lady, "is there a baby in your stomach?" she answered, "there sure is." then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "is it a good baby?" she said, "oh, yes. it's a real good baby." with a look of shock, he asked, "then why did you eat him?"

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it was christmas eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "what are you charged with?"

"doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"what?!? that's no offense," said the judge, "how early were you doing this shopping?"

"before the store opened," he replied.

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the children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'there's jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's michael; he's a doctor.': a small voice at the back of the room rang out, "and there's the teacher; she's dead."

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There's a mexican guy, an italian guy, and a black guy in a car. who's driving?

a cop.

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A man walks into a bar, and yells out "anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

The guy next to him wispers to him, "I wouldn't do that if i were you."

The man asks "why?"

The guy replies, "well for one the woman sitting next to you is a blonde cop, and the bartender is a blonde too, and she has a gun behind the bar. And i think that the blonde signing autographs behind you is a professional wrestler. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

So the man says, "No, I don't want to explain it three times!"

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A man was mowing his front lawn when he noticed his attactive blonde neighbor kept rushing out to her mailbox, looking inside and slamming it shut looking ver annoyed. When she came out to do this for the fifth time the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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OK . . . so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"

what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more Americanized will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "**** you, towel-head!"

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As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. He called to his daughter through the door and asked her what she was doing in there. She simply answered back that she was making passionate love to her vibrator. To his shocked query as to why on Earth would she be doing that, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please! Go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed.

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.

I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

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One day osama bin laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when he then stopped at a nearby town. Then osama bin laden lifted the tail of the camel and then someone asked osama bin laden "what are you doing" and osama bin laden replied "Earlier someone said there were 2 assholes on this camel".

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2 portagee are hunting in the forests of canada. hunting for moose and deer.

they're both very, very cold

one of em drops to the ground

all stiff and life-less

so the 2nd one grabs his cell phone

dials 911

the 911 operator says "is he dead?"

guy replies "i don't know."

operator replies "go make sure he's dead"

so the guy walks over to his friend who's laying face up

and the 911 operator hears a BOOM!!!

and then the guy comes back to the phone and says

"ok! now what?"

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a boy comes home from school with a big smile on his face.

so his mom asks "did anything happen at school today?"

the boy says "I had sex"

the mom exclaims "WHAT!?"

the boy says "I had sex with my english teacher"

so the mom tells the boy "when your father gets home, he's gonna have a serious talk with you"

latter on when the dad gets home he tells his son, "so I hear you had sex today."

"today you have become a man"

"this is an occasion to celibrate"

"what do you say we go out for some icecream?"

the boy replies, "not right now dad, my ass is killing me."

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4 guys walk into a bar and there is only one wooden barstool left. What do they do?

They flip it over.

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a kindergarden child was sitting at his desk making funny faces at anyone that would watch. The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly, "Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick that way." Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you learned the hard way."

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A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. She is asleep, so he just sits down and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "Thats's okay, dear," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

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A couple are lying in bed, the man says to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world." She replies, "I'm going to miss you."

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Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you little chicken****."

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This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more, she called out to the blonde in the field:

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,"Because it is a sea of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field, "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled,

"If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass."

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A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood..

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Wal-Mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked,

"Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the Muther ****er! who pushed me in the pool."

Old jokes:

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

State Slogans

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Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)