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Enforcer · #1 10-04-2004, 01:50 AM

I'm sorry aok/old aok players/forums etc community for depribing you guys of jokes etc...I'll make up for it starting now

Enjoy

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid * was hiding under the bed.

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.

I hauled her fat * downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

LuCinAtions · #2 10-04-2004, 03:51 AM

haha a cabie would not care... (well enough to hit a car) old ladies r like that... all i have to say is u got balls man...

Enforcer · #3 10-04-2004, 11:09 AM

2 portagee are hunting in the forests of canada. hunting for moose and deer.

they're both very, very cold

one of em drops to the ground

all stiff and life-less

so the 2nd one grabs his cell phone

dials 911

the 911 operator says "is he dead?"

guy replies "i don't know."

operator replies "go make sure he's dead"

so the guy walks over to his friend who's laying face up

and the 911 operator hears a BOOM!!!

and then the guy comes back to the phone and says

"ok! now what?"

SoLiD · #4 10-04-2004, 05:45 PM

thts not funny..... :s

SIvIuIIzIF · #5 10-04-2004, 06:25 PM

what solid means by that little statement is "i cant understand the joke" :/

Enforcer · #6 10-04-2004, 06:31 PM

yup...reread it a few times and you'll get it eventualy :P

IzuLeIz · #7 10-05-2004, 01:43 AM

eh...it was ok

Enforcer · #8 10-05-2004, 09:07 AM

a boy comes home from school with a big smile on his face.

so his mom asks "did anything happen at school today?"

the boy says "I had sex"

the mom exclaims "WHAT!?"

the boy says "I had sex with my english teacher"

so the mom tells the boy "when your father gets home, he's gonna have a serious talk with you"

latter on when the dad gets home he tells his son, "so I hear you had sex today."

"today you have become a man"

"this is an occasion to celibrate"

"what do you say we go out for some icecream?"

the boy replies, "not right now dad, my * is killing me."

SoLiD · #9 10-05-2004, 02:42 PM

i do fucknig get it... i not a fucknig dum cunt u know ffs... it means he shot the cunt.... to make sure hes ded

Enforcer · #10 10-10-2004, 05:12 AM

A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood..

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its *! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of * like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Wal-Mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked,

"Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the Muther Fucker! who pushed me in the pool."

#11 10-10-2004, 07:28 AM

i dont get it.

#12 10-10-2004, 07:19 PM

lol how can u not get it its simple. some racist cunt pushed him in to try and get him killed so he wants his name, duh! well i think thats right, if not im gonna look a tit

SIvIuIIzIF · #13 10-11-2004, 01:36 AM

lol yeah.. i dont see how liberation didnt understand it :/

Enforcer · #14 10-11-2004, 09:14 AM

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

SIvIuIIzIF · #15 10-12-2004, 07:25 PM

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

Enforcer · #16 10-12-2004, 07:29 PM

yayaya, get your own thread to post in. that joke is so old and so used up even in movies its not funny anymore...this is MY joke of the day fool :P

#17 10-12-2004, 07:33 PM

never heard that before :/ the one i heard was he could piss in it, not spray beer

SIvIuIIzIF · #18 10-12-2004, 07:35 PM

lol tryin to take over the whole topic :S that ll jus make me post more jokes in it :P actually i gotta find some more good jokes first.. that one was pretty old

Enforcer · #19 10-12-2004, 07:44 PM

piss, spray beer same thing,

guy bets $500 to 4+ guys outside that he can piss/spay beer/make a mess all over the bar without getting in trouble and goes in bets bartender $500 or w/e that he can get it all in a little shot glass or w/e

ok, the REAL joke of the day!

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real * when you're drunk."

Enforcer · #20 10-13-2004, 06:25 AM

The Point System
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand
the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this
merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just
how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow.............................................. .....+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners............................................ ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ..-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy............................................. .-2
Named Tiffany....................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
With breast implants.............................-80

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday................................0
You buy a card and flowers...............................0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.......................................0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie...............+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate......+6
You take her to a movie you like......-2
It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly......................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise...........+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your *".........-100
Any other response..............................-50

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned statement........0
You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
what
do you think I should do"..........-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV.......................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.....-200

Enforcer · #21 10-14-2004, 05:08 AM

This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed
from a Recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
sueing WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This
is actual Dialogue of a former WordPerfect
Customer Support employee. Now I know why they record these
onversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your comp

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's

dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you

still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Enforcer · #22 10-15-2004, 05:27 AM

GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man,
somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my * rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss
disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said
penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look
fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment
undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and
took me to the pool hall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle: "Iraq, you
break."

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you
plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say
"fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

#23 10-22-2004, 01:36 AM

lol i like this link

SIvIuIIzIF · #24 11-01-2004, 07:15 PM

Examining herself in a full length bedroom mirror, a woman complains to her husband "Look at my face! It's full of wrinkles. My eyes have bags under them, I'm getting varicose veins and my breasts are starting to sag."

She turns and looks at her husband. "You could give me some encouragement or some sympathy," she says.

He glances at her and ponders a moment then replies, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Enforcer · #25 11-02-2004, 04:26 PM

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch
this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
the side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of
improvement...

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny.

#26 11-02-2004, 06:57 PM

what do u say to a girl with 2 black eyes?

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=yellow] nothing u already told her twice

why did the retard sit at his computer for hours?

( highlight the line under this to see the answer)

Enforcer · #27 11-12-2004, 04:00 AM

HOW TO AVOID THE FLU:

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.- Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ... You can take the doctors office approach.

Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So...... I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!

It also gives a more realistic meaning to the question............."Have You Had Your Flu Shot Today?"

IzuLeIz · #28 11-12-2004, 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SSA_pOisOn@Nov 2 2004, 02:57 PM
what do u say to a girl with 2 black eyes?

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=yellow] nothing u already told her twice

why did the retard sit at his computer for hours?

( highlight the line under this to see the answer)

thats mean

...i was highlighting for ever

Enforcer · #29 11-12-2004, 04:40 AM

lmfao dumb ruler :blink:

#30 11-30-2004, 04:57 AM

I highlighted 4 times b4 it clicked

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