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SIvIuIIzIF · #1 10-04-2004, 10:58 AM

i ll start it off with one..

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a * called back."

Enforcer · #2 10-04-2004, 11:02 AM

no stealing my jokes *! lol j/k but I have heard that one plenty of times...still funny...anyways my turn beatchs!

A man walks into a bar, and yells out "anyone want to hear a blonde joke?"

The guy next to him wispers to him, "I wouldn't do that if i were you."

The man asks "why?"

The guy replies, "well for one the woman sitting next to you is a blonde cop, and the bartender is a blonde too, and she has a gun behind the bar. And i think that the blonde signing autographs behind you is a professional wrestler. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

So the man says, "No, I don't want to explain it three times!"

SIvIuIIzIF · #3 10-04-2004, 11:05 AM

damn.. i used to have like 9 dif e mails full of blonde jokes but i think i deleted em all cuz i was runnin outta space

How do blonde braincells die?

Alone.

Enforcer · #4 10-04-2004, 11:06 AM

3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were. the first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks." the second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks." the third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

SIvIuIIzIF · #5 10-04-2004, 11:07 AM

A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?

The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.

Enforcer · #6 10-04-2004, 11:10 AM

lol...well not really but lol...

11 people were clinging precariously to a thin rope suspended from a crubling cliff wall on Mt. Everest. ten were blonde, one was a brunette. they decided that one of the party should let go so that the rope wouldn't break. for an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. finally the brunette said she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. the blondes all applauded.

SIvIuIIzIF · #7 10-04-2004, 06:41 PM

am i the only one that didnt understand that joke? ^^ oooh now i get it

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.

Enforcer · #8 10-04-2004, 06:48 PM

Fine then...an easier one for you to understand :P

A Blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first. the brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens. she pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. she falls past the blonde like a speeding bullet. the blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "sooo, you want to race, do you?"

Archon · #9 10-05-2004, 12:28 AM

revenge of the blonds!:

what do u call a good looking guy with a brunette?

a hostage :P

Enforcer · #10 10-05-2004, 12:34 AM

two blondes went shopping one day in their brand new, cherry red sports car. when they returned from the shopping they realised that they had locked their keys in the car. after trying for an hour and a half to get the keys out, one blonde notices that there is a rainstorm coming and says, "You better hurry up because it is gonna rain and the top is down!"

IzuLeIz · #11 10-05-2004, 01:48 AM

i was wondering if the top was down in the beginning

Enforcer · #12 10-05-2004, 01:50 AM

one day a blonde woman was so fed up with all of the dumb blonde jokes that she decided to hang herself in the woods. soon two men came along and asked, "what are you doing?" she replied, "i'm hanging myself." the two men looked at her and said, "usually if your trying to kill yourself you put the rope around your neck." then the blonde said, "duh, i tried that but i couldn't breathe."

SIvIuIIzIF · #13 10-05-2004, 10:49 AM

another blonde sick of blonde jokes.. was driving along one day when she saw a blonde in the middle of a field trying to row a rowboat.. she pulls over and stops her car and gets out and yells. "Its blondes like you that give us a bad name".. "if i could swim i d come out there and kick your **

Enforcer · #14 10-05-2004, 10:56 AM

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more, she called out to the blonde in the field:

"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,"Because it is a sea of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field, "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled,

"If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your *."

SIvIuIIzIF · #15 10-05-2004, 10:57 AM

yes that would be the joke i just wrote.. copied from a site

i actually jus remembered it.. didnt get it off a site

Enforcer · #16 10-05-2004, 11:00 AM

lol so far all of these are one's I had on Emp site...and that was that last one :P time to dig out the e-mails..

SIvIuIIzIF · #17 10-05-2004, 11:02 AM

lucky you.. i deleted all my emails.. so now its time for the sites and the memory :/

Enforcer · #18 10-05-2004, 11:13 AM

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blond
woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on
a single roll of the dice
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck
down, rolled the dice and yelled "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped up and down and
hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?" The
other answered,
"I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men.

SIvIuIIzIF · #19 10-05-2004, 06:34 PM

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes".

Enforcer · #20 10-05-2004, 09:12 PM

:lol: pretty good, glad to see some new jokes for once lol

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her." The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

SIvIuIIzIF · #21 10-10-2004, 03:37 PM

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

Enforcer · #22 10-10-2004, 07:03 PM

Well, you posted 1 blonde joke I never heard before...lol

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha?!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature . . . and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures… The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Oh no this one is barefoot, too!"

SIvIuIIzIF · #23 10-10-2004, 08:03 PM

Three girls are walking in a magical forest.

Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them,
"Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, I will make you disappear!"

The first girl, a brunette, says, "I think I am a very kind and thoughtful person."

*Pooph*, she disappears.

The second girl, red-haired, says, "I think I am very sexy."

*Pooph*, she also disappears.

The third girl, a blonde, says, "Well, I think..."

*Pooph*, she is gone.

Enforcer · #24 10-10-2004, 10:28 PM

lol sorry about that, was busy when I posted that in a rush, ***EDITED*** last post/joke, I sugest you do too so you don't look dumb smurf :P (btw the one I posted after you, that you say is the "same" technicly, yes, but mine is full version, yours is short noob ver. :P)

SIvIuIIzIF · #25 10-10-2004, 10:39 PM

lmao.. theres only 2 of us trading jokes in here.. no one else even uses it :/
thats no reason to stop though :P

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer.

Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Enforcer · #26 10-10-2004, 11:04 PM

rofl, nice one.

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Archon · #27 10-10-2004, 11:09 PM

enforcer that one is old! the original (as far as i kno) involved a man and his mother-in-law getting twice as much

Enforcer · #28 10-10-2004, 11:19 PM

I know that joke is told many ways...i'm just a bit too busy now to dig out my good ones...

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

SIvIuIIzIF · #29 10-11-2004, 01:43 AM

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Enforcer · #30 10-11-2004, 01:53 AM

A man was mowing his front lawn when he noticed his attactive blonde neighbor kept rushing out to her mailbox, looking inside and slamming it shut looking ver annoyed. When she came out to do this for the fifth time the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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